Something I generally try to ignore but am unable to, as someone who is transmasc but also neurodivergent/disabled, is the feeling that people are not seeing me as a grown, capable man. This can sometimes be especially true in cis queer spaces. While attempting to be very positively accepting of my identity, they can end up making me feel worse. Sure, I can act childish sometimes, but so do most other people my age. They are still called “men”, “women”, “adults.” Yet even my mother seems to be seeing me as weaker and more emotionally sensitive since coming out as male. The term “boi” is often used by people I know online, and I have rarely, if ever, had someone who isn’t a confused transphobe call me a “man” in the traditional sense.

Trying to figure this all out in my head, I found a potential explanation from where I find a lot of information on social phenomena: Tiktok and Twitter. There are three things that stick out to me when cis people discuss the transmasc spectrum: discourse around transmen’s role in KAM (kill all men), references to transmascs as “boi” types, and the seemingly immediate policing of transmasc voices when they are discussing misogyny.

What do these all tie into? My initial thought is rejection of traditional social masculinity in queer spaces. For most of the LGBTQ community, deviance from heteronormative ideals of masculinity define their membership, while tramsmasc membership is based in some desire to fulfill some part of that ideal. Our deviance from a core foundation of modern hegemonic masculinity, namely a certain biological makeup, is often one of the largest internal signs of dysphoria or gender non-conformity, either directly or indirectly. We find our identities within the confines of cisgender traditional masculinity, having been raised outside of it, but are unable to fulfill it. For many transmen, these standards remain important pillars of reference, and rejection of those standards may not ever happen. If they do, it may not even be until after an amount of social/medical transition that relieves this dysphoria.  This is fundamentally different from those who are still able to stand on those binary biological foundations of gender (sex) and reject traditional narratives from a (relatively) more privileged position.

Transmen experience a unique pressure from outside and inside the LGBTQ community to conform to standards the community supposedly works to reject. All binary trans people experience pressure to conform to the binary in this way, but transwomen are given more freedom and benefit of the doubt. It is the result of 2nd wave feminism: women are allowed to participate in more gender-deviant acitivties than men. Transwomen can wear pants without a problem (as they should), but transmen are unable to wear skirts without people completely invalidating their gender. This is easily visible to me from cis reactions to Harry Styles wearing a dress versus transmen wearing skirts on social media. Cis men, regardless of sexuality, are praised by the LGBTQ communtiy for breaking gender norms through their clothing, while transmen are met with comments such as “if you’re going to say you’re male, at least try to pass”. Transwomen experience this kind of rhetoric as well, but I do not have the experience to talk about transwomen’s experiences in more detail.

Earlier, I referenced rhetoric involving the inclusion of transmen in the phrase “KAM”, an acronym standing for “Kill All Men”, which is a phrase used half-jokingly by women as a response to systemic abuse by men due to patriarchal rape culture and excuses for femicide. Most transmen, having been socialized as women, are aware of this phrase and have their own ideas about how they fit in. The oft-repeated phrase “transmen are men” meant that many cisgender women were calling it transphobic to decide the KAM was exclusive to cisgender men. As this rhetoric evolved, many started swinging to the opposite side of the pendulum, saying things like “Kill all men, including transmen. :D” While intended to be inclusive, the extra note of transmen not only removes us from the phrase directly, but it also ignores how transmen’s experience some of the same violence from the same men that are referenced in KAM. Transmen are still sexually assaulted and murdered simply because they are trans, and also if they are seen as women by other men. The frequent inclusion of positive emojis after the mention of transmen also serves as a form of infantilization and not taking transmen as seriously as cis men.

As we can see, this topic alone shows how the push by cis people to show unwavering acceptance of transmen’s identities can actually do more harm than good, glossing over even the differing perspectives in the transmasc community. When transmen did start to bring up that their experiences still differ from cismen and that they felt uncomfortable being grouped with their oppressors, especially since many were treated as women by these cis men, they were told they were invalidating their own identities. Others were saying “yes, we are all included, no exceptions”, which is an easier perspective to remember and go by as a cis person if you’re worried about being seen as transphobic. Cis people are the ones taking control of the conversation since apparently transmen are unable to understand and internally discuss nuances in their identities without it being seen as self-hatred. While conversations about misogyny obviously belong to women, the rush by ciswomen to accept trans identities and not appear transphobic hurriedly erased the nuance that simply identifying as a man does not exclude us from experiencing misogyny or, in this case, even violent transphobia. Even after being on T for 7 months, I know people still see me as a woman, and I do still experience misogyny by those who do see me as a woman. Saying “I’m a guy” does not suddenly hand us male privilege, especially for those who are unable to transition.

When trans people are not allowed to have nuanced conversations within the cis LGBTQ community, progress is halted, especially when cis members of the community try to speak on our behalf. I have watched this kind of scenario happen over and over with real-life consequences, especially when it comes to stereotypes around reactions to pronouns and gender assumptions. I see this in other areas of activism, too, including disability advocacy, racial equality, and neurodivergent activism, where those from a relatively more privileged state will act as a vigilante of sorts and not leave room for any nuance or perspective in possible cases of discrimination. Even something as small as a transman experiencing discomfort at a song lyric (“but I just can’t date a dude with a vag”, used in a “grow a pair” context) can turn into a fight among cis people over whether transmen were trying to cancel Ke$ha as a transphobe. This brought more transphobia into the “allied” community as well as to other random transpeople’s accounts. There was a suspiciously large consensus in the “allied” community that somehow we transmen were unable to take context of the song into account, and they were here to explain it to us. Essentially a weird GNC version of mansplaining, even though every response by a trans person was that nobody was actually offended by the lyric (surprise: we can, in fact, take context into account. Just call us snowflakes already if you don’t believe that).

While this post is not as essay-like or research-oriented as my previous one, I hope me explaining my experiences with this serves as simply some food for thought.