It is surprising to say, but before I came to college I never realized how much being a woman influenced people’s opinions of me. Of course, I knew that I was not viewed the same as my male peers. I was not blind to the difference in expectations. I spent years listening to my neighbors or distant relatives telling my parents how me and my sister will never have to worry about financially supporting a family. That was a man’s job, not a woman’s. I was aware that I was expected to behave differently because I was a girl, especially all those times when I needed to stop playing and help set the table. I knew that when I grew up I might never have the advantages my male peers will have, but I never knew that being a woman meant repressing my emotions. I did not know that I didn’t get to express my anger or frustration. I did not know that, I should not be as assertive or commending as my male peers. I was just conditioned to believe that I would somehow be treated and viewed equally regardless of my sex. 

 

Last year, I decided to run for president of Rice Architecture Society. It is a very small student run organization within the architecture department, that I have been part of since freshman year. For most people, Society is only important when we organize the campus wide party called Architectronica or when we provide food during finals week. For me, Society was a way to express the hardships of being an architecture student and work on improving our experience at Rice University. Having three years of experience and a thorough knowledge of the organization, I was very confident in my campaign. I knew my ideas were feasible and beneficial. Unfortunately none of the questions that were asked during the presidential debate were about my ideas or policies. My behavior in one specific event was much more important than any plan I had for the upcoming year. 

 

As a sophomore I was part of the team that organized the campus wide party Architectonica. Being one of the most popular parties on campus, it is extremely hard and stressful to manage. The year I was in charge along with two other sophomore architecture students, the crowd got so out of control that RUPD had to shut down the party. Within only one and a half hours, there were people trying to climb inside Anderson Hall through the first floor windows and punching the doors for RUPD officers to let them in. What was even more challenging at this state of crisis was realizing that I was not taken seriously by a group of freshman that were responsible for the security of the event. At that moment, I decided to change my attitude. I thought maybe people would take me more seriously if I spoke louder and gave orders. I realized asking nicely numerous times did not really stop members of the security team from smoking in the corner with their friends. Well, that was my mistake, I didn’t know I could not get frustrated or angry.

 

The first question during the presidential speeches was about that night.  I was accused of being mean and therefore, I was viewed as unapproachable. To be honest, I was shocked because I did not act any differently from my male teammates who were equally frustrated and angry that night. I remember explaining everything that happened to my friend Kaarthika. I still remember the moment she said “Well, this wouldn’t have happened if you were a guy”. That moment was some sort of eureka moment for me. It was the end of me believing that I would be judged for who I am, regardless of my sex. It became so much clearer to me why since high school people kept telling me that they thought I was intimidating and scary, before they got to know me. It was because I was direct and authoritative. I was never afraid to express my ideas or emotions. Unfortunately, I learned that as a woman I was not supposed to do that.

 

I know that this is not going to end after school. It will continue and probably will get worse in the professional environment. Gender dynamics and tokenism studies of Harvard Business School Professor Robin Ely, focuses specifically on how women are viewed and treated in the work environment. She points at many career advice books that are geared towards women on how to deal with the “Queen bees, bullies or devils” inside the office. However, her study shows that career advice books that are designed for  a male audience are full of strong white men on the cover talking about the importance of competition and strategy in leadership. While men are being thought to be competitive, women are being told to act nicer. Even reading comments like aggressive, rude or nightmare regarding woman superiors on a website called ‘Girl-boss’ that is supposed to empower women in the work environment, makes me wonder if these people would say the same things about their superiors if they were men ?

 

I am not trying to overlook the studies that research why women bosses tend to be tougher on their women employees. I am more interested in understanding the difference in judgement when man and women display the same behavior. I realize I often judge behaviors of my professors, because of their sex. I tend to give so much more credits to male professors for sending me an email after a tough day in class compared to my female professors. It feels natural or normal for women to be caring, but it is praiseworthy when men are caring. However, it is not natural for a woman to be demanding, at least not in our society. Therefore, many studies show that when men are angry and authoritative at work, it reads as a power move, and not a personality flaw. This is not a statement that is true for women.

 

I still think about that day and how it shaped my thoughts. The passive aggressive comments did not really change the election results. I still got elected as the president. It mostly changed what type of leader I became. I decided to always hide my emotions, even when I had only two people show up to meetings. It almost felt like I was giving up, but I was afraid of being criticized again. I wanted and still do want to prove those people that they were wrong about me, because I know that nothing I did that night was because I was a mean person. It was because I was under a lot of stress and pressure.

 

Now, I laugh when I see these peoples posts on Instagram with tags like ‘girl power’ or ‘future is female’, when I know they intentionally wanted to bring down a female candidate in a very male dominant environment. It is hard to accept that all the students who were really heated up at that debate against me were women. I learned that they cared so much that they planned for weeks to ask me those questions, even though none of them cared about society or even sat down at a meeting before. On the other hand, most of the guys from that group of freshman volunteers do not even remember how I acted.

 

Beril