I remember when the dialogue around “Lean In” and “power posing” was rife in the popular media, emphasizing that it was a woman’s fault that she was not succeeding in the business world. By standing a bit taller, speaking up a bit longer, women would free themselves of the chains of their femininity and be able to better “assert themselves”. The wage gap is thus a “confidence gap” rather than a structural inequality. In essence, only through masculinization could women liberate themselves. 

I was deeply troubled by this line of thinking, even as a young teenager because I did not think it was fair that I had to change the type of person or leader I was to “fit in” to the normative box. I also knew, from the roles I had served in thus far, that it was often a struggle just to exist in leadership especially when my existence there was regularly questioned. Thus, I truly felt like all of this talk about acting a certain way was a red herring when the real issue felt more of the culture of the space I attempted to lead in. With gender biases standing in the way, I have often needed to find roundabout ways to succeed, all often at the expense of my personal wellbeing.

From an early age, I was never expected, as someone born female-bodied, to be outspoken and interject myself into spaces. Quite the opposite, far too many times when I did assert myself would I get pushback – saying that the way I behaved was not “lady-like” or “becoming”.  Thus my socialization was to shrink in the face of conflict and difficulty rather than blaze in with significant overconfidence. Such was never expected from other boys my age, who seemed to exist as if the sun revolved around them. I remember envying them, wishing that I could live my life in the same way without penalty.

Confidence is something we bestow upon boys at a young age, a virtue we give them to possess. But this unchecked confidence, as much as I aspired to it, can often be more of a curse. Men, more often than not, expect that extreme arrogance can lead them to success. Their talents often do not match egos, and thus work is not achieved to the same level of detail – largely inserting themselves into spaces that they have no business being in. Or, they work ruthlessly in their achievement of goals, often at the expense of others’ wellbeing and their goals. In my work in student leadership, I have encountered both types of male overconfidence. This confidence gives a sense of power and control over situations, regardless of whether that power actually exists. And the pursuit of power is an individualistic pursuit, that often does not advance community success. You thus succeed by ignoring others’ needs, and not caring about others. Research has shown that those in power will often ignore aid, even if it comes from experts. This creates a toxic culture of people working to climb to the top, rather than understand what those around them need to succeed. It puts into context why we have so many social issues perpetuated by Western corporations that are majority led by men, the ruthlessness of business confidence would not mind perpetuating poverty and destroying the climate as long as the individual at the top remains in power. Thus, the feminine traits of humility have actually been useful to my success, because I have learned how to check myself before I let my arrogance take over. While I would have liked to have learned these skills not in a shaming way, I realize that they were needed to become the rounded person I am today. 

Rarely do we ask men to feminize and create more inclusive environments where women feel more comfortable and where feminity is celebrated. Feminine traits of nurture, communication, empathy, collaboration are still shunned in many work environments historically. In the words of author Ruth Whippman, men need to “lean out” of spaces in order to make them more inclusive to those of non-hegemonic groups. Doing so will make for better government and business, as being able to read a room and understand how others are feeling is critical for building strong teams. We will also have better leaders who are self-evaluative and understand their limits and areas of improvement. Such a workplace would be far more productive, more innovative, and less damaging to individuals, societies at large, and the environment. It would surely accomplish more than self-help books telling women to just assert themselves to fix gender inequality. Men can be allies to women by trading arrogance and overconfidence for listening and collaboration, realizing that they alone cannot accomplish everything. They might realize by leaning out, they make room for those that have never had access to such spaces of privilege and thus are able to do impactful work without obstacles.